Reflections on Letting Go

Today is Day 29 for me, the second time around. I must admit that this second cycle of giving has been feeling a little anticlimactic for me. When I look back over this month, the giving has become more routine. Maybe that's a good thing though because it is just part of my daily practice now and not something I put "effort" into.

I recall that the first month felt so deeply profound. I was coming out of several months of isolation, sickness and depression and this experiment is the thing that really turned things around for me. The small giving gestures were some of my first attempts to reach out and serve others after many months of feeling consumed by my own daily struggles with intense chronic pain, problems walking and daily states of panic over the crazy, unpredictable changes I was seeing with my body from multiple sclerosis.

When I reflect back on that time, it feels like the last 58 days are a miraculous turn around. I can now walk unassisted most of the time--no more cane. I'm able to stay in a positive and productive mental space most of the time. And while I am still dealing with pain and discomfort in my body, now I'm able to cope with it instead of rushing to the hospital for shots of narcotics or popping too many pills.

On Day 1 the first time around, I was in a very shaky financial position. The medical bills were piled up. A lot of debt had accumulated from our move from San Francisco to LA and several months of my business being stalled. Thank God my husband's voice over business was stable. Thank God I receive some disability payments--what a gift that those benefits exist. Thank God for my parents, who helped us out with the gift of a sizeable loan at next to no interest. Thank God for the sudden rush of new business that started to roll in for me seemingly out of nowhere right at the beginning of my first week. And thank God I've felt well enough to work a little bit the past two months. Today the money picture is looking manageable and I feel hopeful that the debt will be cleaned up without a lot of stress. My husband and I have been visualizing a couple of big, national campaign for him, which would allow us to pay everything off immediately.

All of this change is a direct result of the shift in my thinking and energy created by the challenge. I shifted my focus onto what I had to offer others... the areas I was living in abundance, which increased the value of my thoughts. The more I focus on this abundance, the more positive things I see flowing into my life.

This isn't surprising to me of course. I have long studied the principles of energy, law of attraction and the likes. I have a proven track record manifesting my dreams over the past 15 years of this study. But just because I understand and know these principles doesn't mean I always make the choice to put what I know into practice.

This is a common issue for many of us--making the connection between what we KNOW and what we DO.

I'm actually in it right now around food. I recently made the decision that I want to cut several substances that I KNOW don't serve me out of my diet for good... not just for a month or two for a cleanse, but as a permanent lifestyle change. I even recruited my husband to cut the same things out of his diet (for him only for a month so the food I don't want to eat isn't in the house). He's been doing great with the changes, but I have been struggling every day... holding on for dear life to what is familiar to me by sneaking out of the house to cheat at restaraunts.

If I tell the truth about why I haven't changed my behavior, it's because I'm afraid of getting well. Deep inside I know these diet changes, combined with a committment to regular exercise (another current struggle of mine), have the potential to put my MS into remission. But what happens then? The past two years of my life have been devoted to "fighting my MS." If I give up that fight, what will unfold? It all boils down to my old fear of letting go completely... of trusting that I'm being watched over and cared for every day of my life and that I will be more than OK if I chose to surrender and trust in that great force we call Spirit or God.

My gift for the day is to practice trusting the force that made everything out of nothing. Every time I catch myself thinking or doing anything that isn't in alignment with that trust, I will repeat the following mantra until I believe it in that moment.

"I am bathed in the light of spirit. I am trusting God."